Arguing
Arguing creates an atmosphere of unpleasantness and affects the whole family. Once it starts, it can quickly esculate to a point where it is hard to restore peacefulness. Personally, I can't stand arguing. I like to maintain a loving atmosphere in our home. We can't eliminate 100% of children's arguments, but we can reduce it and teach them valuable socialization skills at the same time.
Here are a few tips:
1. Spend time as a family praying and studying the Bible. Keep the Lord as the focus of your home. I find that when we are lax on our prayer and devotions as a family, we see more arguing. "The family that prays together stays together." Open each day with prayer.
2. Keep a normal schedule and routine. Children get cranky when they don't know what to expect, meals are late, bed times are ignored, etc.
3. Evaluate your diet. Nutrition affects how we feel and behave.
4. If you argue with your spouse in front of your children, be sure they see you settle the difference in an appropriate Christian manner. You are the grown ups! Act like it and set the examples you want them to follow.
5. Be unified as a couple. In our home, Dad is the head of the family and I support his leadership. When one hands down discipline, the other supports them fully.
6. Continually praise and reward them for what they do right. Compliment each on their individual gifts and talents. Show your appreciation for good behavior and attitudes. We bake cookies, take a field trip, do an art or science project they have been wanting to try, and do other things they enjoy.
7. Emphasize their need for each other. "Cleaning up blocks is much faster with your sister's help." "Do you like playing that game with your brother?" "I am glad you were there to keep your little brother out of the bag of cereal!" "You are so blessed to have each other. Some children have no one to play with at home."
8. Show confidence in their ability to work it out. "I know the two of you can settle who gets to ride up front first." Give them plenty of time to work it out before you step in to settle it.
9. Teach them how to negotiate. "You get to ride up front on the way to the store, and I will ride up front on the way back."
10. Don't judge one child right and one wrong unless you witnessed the entire event. It is so easy to get it wrong if we don't know what really happened. Being falsely accused builds only bitterness between you and your child and between the siblings.
11. Don't step in unless you have to. I make my children work it out on their own as often as possible. I do not tolerate hitting among my children, so it never escalates to that level.
12. Deal with the negative character traits you see in your children. Their hearts are like gardens. The weeds need to be pulled so the flowers can thrive. Explain to them what behavior/attitude needs work, what it says about their heart, what negative affects it can have if allowed to continue, and discuss together how to change it. Do this in private and remind them that all people have weak areas that need improvement. "You never stop growing or learning as a person." Establish a code word that reminds them of their decision to work on that area and use it when you see the negative trait emerging.
13. Watch the attitude you exhibit when you correct your children. Doing so with an angry and impatient spirit will not reap the same reward as a patient and loving spirit.
14. Don't compare your children. "John has the prettiest singing voice, but poor Ann sounds like a groaning cow."
15. Sounds like a no brainer here, but you wouldn't believe how many times I hear these things in stores, church, etc. Don't put down your children. "Your lips are too big!! Are you stupid? What is your problem?! Our Jan has the biggest butt in our family. You talk to much!" And, don't let them put down each other. If one child says something negative about a sibling, help them find two things positive to say about them.
16. Children will misbehave it they do not know what to expect from you as a parent. If you are unsure of your parenting techniques, they will sense this. Seek the Lord, figure out what you believe and then follow it. Be consistent.
17. Determine if there are external reasons for arguing: Has there been a change in the home? new job? baby? move? death? Is there tension between family members? Are the children worried about something (a sick pet)? Is one of them coming down with an illness? Are there too many demands on the family (activities)?
18. In my house, if the argument can't be settled, I make them sit on a couch together, holding hands, until they work it out. I have noticed that separating them doesn't help them resolve the conflict, but it teaches them to avoid the problem. I often put a book or something interesting near them. Then, I leave the room. I usually come back to hear them whispering and giggling...best of buddies again!
19. Evaluate yourself. The mother sets the tone for the home. Are you spending time with your loving Father? Are your attitudes, words and actions not where they should be? Are you dreading each day? Are you ignoring the needs of those entrusted to you? Is your relationship with your husband where it needs to be?
20. Keep your home organized. I think we will be remodeling our home forever. When building materials, tools, moved furniture, etc blocks the flow of traffic or hinders our day to day living, it makes all of us less patient. We make a special effort to keep things out of our way since realizing this.
21. Do you see your children as blessings or burdens? Has the joy of motherhood and homeschooling left your heart? Are you spending time interacting with them? Take time out to sit on the floor (use a pillow) and play with your children. Listen to their stories! Learn what they enjoy! Visit their land of make believe! Mend those relationships and find reason to praise the Lord for your children and homeschooling.
22. Are your children mimicking your attitudes towards your brother or sister? Do they have good examples from you in how to relate to a sibling?
23. Read stories in the Bible of sibling rivalry to your children and emphasize the losses to both sides. Examples are Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, Cain and Able, etc.
24. Watch what you bring into your home. Bad attitudes can be learned from television, movie videos, music, other children, etc. Behavior is affected by television and video games as well as outside influences.
25. Memory Verses:
Colossians 3:12-13 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
2 Timothy 2:24 And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men...
Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
Proverbs 20:3 It is an honor for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling.
Proverbs 13:10 Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.